Dear Dr. Patti:
I would like your advice on cross-dressing and BDSM. I would like to cross-dress as a young rich woman and have persona of one. Could you give me suggestions on how a young rich woman would control her unruly husband or boyfriend? Would you recommend restraining and whipping as an option? I would also like to cross-dress and apply for women type jobs such as cigarette girl and NFL cheerleader. Could you give me any helpful and supportive suggestions on how best to accomplish this goal? The last question is pertaining to trying out BDSM. Any suggestions when trying out BDSM? Thanks, CD Charlie
Dear CD Charlie,
First, congratulations on asking permission to explore and express your true sexual and erotic desires. I am so proud that you gave me a call. I particularly like that you have a clear intention and vision of what you want to explore. My clients sometimes get stuck in the mire of what they really want, not knowing clearly how to express those hidden drives and wishes. Being specific in your outlook will help you to find the exact means for self-expression, safely, sanely and consensually (the three most important aspects of any BDSM play and agreements.)
First, let me respond to your need for a persona. I love that you know who “she” is and want to embody that rich woman who dominates. This longing for you is a double-play, in that you are not only wanting to be the dominant (in a D/S or dominant submissive role play), but also you wish to cross-dress into the other gender. Wahoo for you!
Before you dive in or suit up, grab a flogger, or humiliate your poor boyfriend as his rich other half (bitch queen), listen carefully: You must study this world before you act on your urges. I suggest that you seek out a local BDSM play space, or find an erotic power exchange club, especially a local group that offers in person classes; often a dom starts out as a sub to learn how this all fits together, physically, intellectually and emotionally. Also, if you join a local group you get to meet others into this scene with whom you can begin to form trust-based relationships for negotiating play in the exact style and means that you are already imagining it to be. You will want to learn the ropes, figuratively and literally, if you want to play the dom with whips, chains or other regalia.
Finally, read up and search the Internet all you can. There are many great classic books on the market today, including:
1. SM 101—by Wiseman
2. Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns—by Miller
3. Different Loving—by Brame
4. Learning the Ropes—Bannon
5. Consensual Sadomasochism—by Henkin.
These are listed on amazon for your perusing.
As a side note, as a clinical sexologist, if you were my client, I would want to check out your interest in other forms of cross-dressing. Your cross-dressing desires are a separate topic for another advice post.
Enjoy and play safe,