In September of 2005 a new movie hit the neighborhood theaters, that stuck like a bone in the throats of some folks who think that being a virgin is a good thing. Well, maybe it’s a good idea for a pre-teen, but not for a 40-year-old guy who’s never done anything even resembling sex with a female. Instead, in “The 40-Year Old Virgin” he amasses toy doll collectibles that eventually pay off. So does his virginity. Ya see? There’s hope if you fit into the category of the adult male sporting the letter “V”, although it’s not exactly the type of letter most guys want to advertise on their chest, now, is it?
In my clinical practice I have worked with several adult male virgins. One happened to be 53 years young when he marched into my office, head hanging down, and half whispering to me about his, um, problem. Another was about to hit the big 4-0 and “Damn-it, Dr. Patti”, he stomped on the carpet when we first met, “I can’t stand being a ‘V’ anymore. Help me get out of this club!” After several months of sex coaching, the latter client did reach his sexual debut, (as we call having his first experience of penis-in-vagina sex), and he lost his key to the “V club” after all. But not without a heckovalot of work to change his self-identity, alter his attitude, improve on his social and sexual skills, then boost up his intentions so that no excuses could knock him off-track from his goal. Losing the “V Club” membership is a quest that many adult men (although we have no idea just how many) share with a vengeance worthy of applause.
If you are now a member of the “V” club, or you have a good buddy who’s a geek, nerd or loser dude in the bedroom department, there’s good news for you. You can do it, too. (Then again, if you happen to be an adult male virgin and like it, touché!)
First, let’s explore why this happens in the first place. In our culture it seems so UNlikely that a mature guy would not get lucky and score pu**y, right? I mean, it’s so in your face and out there that “girls just wanna’ have fun” and that you are entitled to getting some. At least that’s what the media and some men’s magazines lead you to believe. But some men may not catch the drift early on and stay stuck in their virginity for a boatload of reasons.
Here are some:
1. Terminal shyness, as some of my clients call it. In other words, you feel way too shy to even look a woman in the eye, much less muster up your courage to talk to her. If you never speak up to a woman who draws your interest or makes your dick hard just by the slight whiff of fragrance she pulses when she walks by you at the hockey game, then you’re never going to make it with a chick. Why not? Because you have to make contact, either verbally or non-verbally, and if you can’t start or keep a conversation going with another human being who happens to have XX genes in her blood, then you’re out.
2. A history of past sexual (or physical/emotional) abuse. Yes, men do become the victims of sexual abuse. I have clients who are still working out the traumas of their past in which a woman (or a man) has touched them inappropriately or against their will, scarring them as sexual victims until they are ready to do the healing work necessary and morph into a recovered sexual being. If this is you, there are good books available, such as The Courage to Heal; and you may want to book a telephone appointment with me to work out the disabling features of your past. Or seek out the help of a sex therapist near you by accessing the directory at www.aasect.org , our national organization of quality and qualified sources for your sexual recovery.
3. Lack of self-confidence. Low self-esteem. If you suffer from a lack of self-esteem (feeling good about yourself) or are in the basement about your confidence level, it’s no surprise you haven’t done the deed yet. Why not? Because you have to feel at least an ounce of “I can do this” as you approach a prospective lover. Maybe you haven’t learned about female anatomy yet. Get some books or watch some educational DVDs from www.lovingsex.com, many of which I host as your expert. If you go through my website (www.pbritton.wpengine.com) you get a huge discount. Maybe you have no clue in the world about how you’d go about pleasuring a woman, like how to touch that sweet clitoris of hers, or keep your penis hard enough to have penetration into her love canal. After all, if you don’t think you are capable of acting sexual with a babe, you’re not! How you feel about yourself inside is the key to how you act on the outside.
4. You really do stink as a lover. If you’ve gotten to first, second and maybe close to third base with a partner, and yet you haven’t crossed that ultimate finish line, then maybe you have some learning (or re-learning) to do about women and what they want or need in bed. Honestly! Women are not a 400 HP engine that you can tweak with a wrench. They’re soft, delicate, and need skilled touch, whether it’s with your mouth or tongue, your fingers or your you-know-what. Even how you talk to a woman can determine if you are going to be inside of her vagina or not. Get skilled in touch and communication. And for Goddess’ sake, learn how to keep it up and please her first.
So, what are 5 things you can do to get Mr. Happy to park in her garage?
Get into circulation. If you’re sitting at home watching the DVD player or if the television is your constant pal, you’re never going to meet a woman to seduce. You’ve got to get out there and be in situations where women hang out. Bars or clubs may not be your thing, but they often work. Singles’ events are great for meeting people looking to meet people, even for sex. Find ones in your area. Bookstores are notorious as singles’ venues, where you sit at the café and browse interesting-looking books, while you also browse attractive women of your choice. I once had a male virgin client who’d keep a scorecard of all the women he’d approach to talk to while he made his temporary home in the largest bookstore’s café. For about 6 weeks of practice, he kept an active log, writing down his opening lines and success rates (“I love what you’re reading. Did you read his first novel?” or “You look like you could use a refill on that latte, may I?” or the classic, “Do you come here often?” Even though it seems dumb, honing in on conversation-starters may be your gateway to some nookie after the book nook closes.
Do all you can to be the most attractive you can be. Get a good haircut; keep your nails groomed. Clean breath and body go a long way toward bringing home someone to share that Chinese take-out. Look in the mirror, or even ask other guys you trust to tell you “Do I look okay”. Maybe it’s time to cut those 70’s sideburns or let your buzz cut grow out. If you’re into tattoos, make sure they’re done well and make you look better not less appealing to the opposite sex. You don’t want to scare her away, but you want to stay true to your own identity and tastes. Then, again, your long ponytail or nose ring might be just the allure to get that pretty woman to sidle up to your barstool. And, guess what? If you spend time with women as friends, they may be your best guides about women you’ll want to date and how to get them to want you.
Go to a sex store and find anatomically correct models of the female sexual anatomy. Go online and browse for accurate pictures of how women look. Most women need to become aroused by you– by what you say, how you look and feel, what you do with your tools (like your mouth, hands and dick) and how well you can use them all. Then practice either on a rubber or silicon model, or alone imagine being with a real woman in the flesh while you masturbate.
Watch all the good porn or sexually explicit teaching videos/DVD’s you can get your eyes on. Study how women respond on camera and how other men do it to her. Yes, watch how they appear to touch, or talk, and move their Joneses as they enter her and keep her pleased. Remind yourself that porn is not real sex. With editing and simulation, a good porn flick can appear to be in ‘real time’ and with ‘real sex’, but it’s not. It’s entertainment, created with arousing you in mind, not teaching you.
Learn how to talk to a woman to entice her into sex once you get into her bed. Find your own style, whether you become a funny guy in bed and make her laugh or you woo her with your seductive speeches. Remember, though, porn talk is not reality. I’ve met few women in my clinical experience who really like for you to ‘talk porn talk’ to them in the boudoir, like “Suck my cock, bitch” (said with a mean twist) or “Bend over so I can fuck your asshole til you scream” (screamed in her ear with angry tones) type of bedside patter. Nope. Many women still report that they like to hear romantic things like, “God, you’re beautiful. I want to make love to you…” or even women who do like the direct approach, with phrases like “I want you so badly, let’s fuck” or “Let me eat you…” but not the raunchy diet of harsh conversation you may think women crave.
Bonus tip: Be skilled as a lover as much as you can before you dive into the real deal. Self-education will pay off in the long run. Focus on a woman’s clitoris as her primary sexual pleasure site and you’ll be fine once you get there. Don’t think that the way into her pants is just to grab, pounce and push your way through. Most women will tell or show you that they need to become aroused, pleasured and cajoled into full satisfaction. Be open to exploration and if you are good at what you do for her pleasure, you’ll be sure to get an invitation for a rerun. If finding a real gal is never going to be your fate, then scouring the back pages of men’s magazines or websites for entertainment by the pros may be your hope for leaving the “V” club behind. Whatever you do, be safe, be kind and be generous.
I believe that if you set your positive intention and do all that you can do—good grooming, good conversation, skills at touch and ability to keep it up —then you’re going to be fine. Abandoning that “V” is just what the doctor ordered, now do it!
Original article #26
By Dr. Patti Britton