I’m working with a client right now, we’ll call him Ben. He’s a single male in his fifties, who lives in an urban hub, who has a pretty lousy track record with women. He hired me as a sex coach to help him navigate the choppy waters of relating to women, so that he can look forward to his golden years with a mate. He’s a purebred heterosexual, so women are truly his game. But he’s about as savvy as an 11-year old boy when it comes to what women want, how to read their signals, how to keep the second date from going south, what’s a real relationship like, and what does a guy have to do to make it into a lasting relationship, with all the trimmings. We’ve worked on what I call the “Four stages of relationship,” which I am going to share with you now.
So what does all this really mean if you want to wake up in the morning each day with the same face smiling up at you from under the covers? If you don’t give a rat’s patoot about having the same face appear even on the same calendar page for your social engagements for this coming weekend, then this may not be for your tastes. But I’m thinking that at some point in your life, this may apply to your dreams to have a partner, someone who shares your home address and electric bills with you. Here are some tips on how to get there, maybe next week, or maybe in a decade, so use them for your ride into daily bliss. Okay, make that for your dream of daily “getting it.”
The Four Stages:
In my experience as a sex and relationships coach for single men and women and for heterosexual/homosexual couples, one thing rings true. There is a continuum of the escalation of intimacy. For those folks who want to have the whole enchilada and not just a few chips and dip for their sexual/social needs to get met, there are certain rules that apply.
Stage ONE: Attracting a woman
Here are some basics and some of them may not be your greatest strengths, but listen up and learn.
*First, you have to get your physical self looking its best.
*Clean up, brush up and dress up. I don’t mean a three-piece banana peel, but nice outfits. I don’t know why it is, but you may think that throwing on your workout teeshirt after the gym over wrinkled shorts from a K-Mart Blue Light Special may be attractive to the opposite sex. It’s not.
*Hygiene is your best friend, so make sure your nails are clipped and clean, your breath is fresh and you use that deodorant everyday, not just when mom’s coming into town.
*But maybe the most important thing is how to act with a prospective woman. I hear from every woman I meet (and you know I’ve literally met thousands!) that they want a guy who listens. That means not interrupting her when she talks, nodding at what she says, asking good questions and being responsive.
*And, the same goes for your needs being met by her. Ben says, “I hate it when a woman is not interactive, energetic about our conversation. Most of all, I hate a woman who’s a constant yapper.” And he’s not talking about her snapper.
*Be an avid talker. Look into her eyes when you talk, touch her gently on the cheek, or stroke her hair if you are into a conversation.
*Finally, lean into it. Body language goes a long way in saying, “I like you,” “You’re hot”, or “Let’s get closer.”
Stage TWO: Dating light
Okay. So you’ve gotten her interest and she likes you enough to say yes to your pleading to get her telephone number, or you’ve convinced her to take your card with your hand-scribbled private number on the back. You’ve succeeded in being attractive enough to grab her attention and make her want more of you. This is not necessarily about her wanting to jump your bones naked, but probably more of a getting-to-know-you kind of interest. But, hey, ya never know!
So, you’re on your first date and always, I mean always, I get asked, “So, Dr. Patti, when it is okay to have sex with a woman…first, second or third date?” And I always answer with my stock reply, which no one wants to hear because it takes life out of the black-and-white zone; “It depends”. I really mean that. She may be very attracted to you for a sexual escapade. She may be shy or unsure. But one thing is clear, your first date is your chance to score well in the “she likes me” department no matter what you say, do or look like.
Your first date is your time to get to know her and to shine from within as the person you truly are. You may say things to move it along, like, “I love the way you say that, Anne…” or “Did you know that your eyes twinkle when you talk, Fran…” or “God, Julie, you’re hot!” Notice I’ve put her name in those examples? Use her name and she’ll feel that magic word: Special.
You may even be reading her signals, like her grabbing your crotch and looking into your eyes, or probing your mouth with her tongue at the barstool, which may elicit a response from you, such as “Hey, Diane, let’s go back to my place.” Or “Oh, Lou, I can’t wait to f**k you.” Yes, sometimes the direct approach when sex is in the air is your ticket to heaven. Then, again, sometimes the urge to get your rocks off can send her packing the other way, when she’s trying to move slowly into knowing the guy behind his sex crazed, blurry eyed, drooling grin.
Stage THREE: Steady dating
So, at this stage, I assume, (which may or may not be your reality), that you’ve proven yourself in the bedroom and she’s into you. You may or may not have had a lot of passionate kissing, fondling, thrusting, cumming or all of that standard fare called sex, but you’re into a new phase. You and Miss Marge have dated more than three times (the magic number), and you text her daily now, you call her three or more times a week to check in, maybe see her just as often, and she’s your top squeeze.
Steady partners are not necessarily exclusive, but keeping them steady takes work. And TLC, lots of tender, loving care of the relationship, like returning her calls or messages before that Chinese food from your last date grows green fuzz, asking her out to a nice place for a prepared meal instead of those microwaved plastic meals at your pad, and investing in her. Spend money on gifts. Women do like things like cards, flowers, chocolates, wine, dessert when she’s always making you the dinner at her apartment and you arrive empty-handed, or even buy her something erotic, like an emerald green satin slip-on for evening wear. Then be assertive and with all of your romantic flair, remove it from her gorgeous body that night.
Be open and vocal about how you feel. I know you’re gasping for air now, as the male of our species isn’t programmed for that act. No way. You can learn to express your feelings, especially your vulnerability, which is going to win your big points. Tell her how much she means to you, speak up about your warm fuzzy feelings, or the fires of passionate attraction for her, to keep the connection strong.
Being with a gal pal on a regular basis means upkeep and an eye on escalation patterns. If you are not living together, she may be sneaking into your closet to leave a few garments on hangers, or leaving her dental floss in your bathroom cabinet. Or you may be leaving a toothbrush and shaving cream at her house. Either way, you are both signaling that this is not a fling, not a fly by night affair. You both are saying, “Hey, dude, we’re a pair”.
Ben would say, “Dr. Patti, this is the part where I start to get really scared. What do I do to keep her?” You focus on her. You take good care of her and the relationship. You act generously toward her. You stay real. And you don’t make an ass of yourself, in or out of the bedroom. This is an investment for your future. Treat it well.
But in this phase, you may also have that cyberchick on the side, or even be humping your next door neighbor on odd nights when Sally is not coming by.
Stage FOUR: Commitment
By now, you know, this is a good thing. This one’s a keeper. And so are you. Women often avoid the C word, commitment, just as well as do men. So, don’t freak if when things begin to close in on approaching the big talk about commitment, she bolts. It may have nothing to do about you and everything to do about her capacity for intimacy. Talk about it, openly. But if things seem to be mutually agreed upon to move this boat into the harbor slip as a couple, do it. Agree. Commit. Make it happen and stick to your guns.
A committed sexual relationship is usually also monogamous, a safe haven from sexually transmissible infections or diseases from other people. However, not every couple who’s willing to say yes to the big C also wants monogamy. You can be in a committed relationship without exclusivity, but frankly, to me, then why bother? Few couples can weather the storms of a committed thing while tolerating shared sex with outside lovers. Trust me on this one. This is how most C couples lose it. They fail in their trust, their intimacy, and in their ability to keep the relationship flourishing. They normally fall apart when another guy or doll is on the sidelines. So, if a C relationship calls your name, sign up for just her for your sex mate.
And, this is the phase where you two may want to think about those big questions, like are we living together, are we sharing expenses, will this lead to the big M for marriage, and what’s up with kids, careers, families, and all that complicated stuff that’s making your dick go soft right now, right? Just kidding.
I hope that if a permanent relationship is on your PDA as one of your life goals, that you’re going to find and keep your sweetheart. Maybe not today, but using these guidelines will boost your chances for success eventually. So keep the faith and do it well.
Original article #15
By Dr. Patti Britton