Prostate play is more common than you think. Most hetero guys have at least once or twice gone the distance to having direct contact with a finger or other probe down (and up) there. Anal sexual exchange can be a very intimate way to show your trust of your partner, along with highly pleasure-giving in the butt department. If you haven’t caught on yet, when we humans have our orgasm, our anal sphincters join in with our other sexual machinery and quiver at a measured rate, just like the spurting from your penis or the accordion music she’s making inside of her vagina. Yes, one of the many gifts we received from Masters and Johnson’s research in their sex clinic is the knowledge that at orgasm we (male and female humans) become more alike than different, and the contractions that appear in our lower regions pulse at the same rate as we share back door shimmy shakes.
Changing your viewpoint to yes
If ever there were a part of your body that could make you feel squeamish —or screaming for more— it’s your prostate. I know. I hear it from my male clients, “But, Dr. Patti, I’m too embarrassed to let her touch me there…” or shameful cries of, “Well, I enjoy having a finger in there, but it’s so dirty, isn’t it?” or the universally asked question, “Am I normal if I like having my prostate massaged?” The resounding answer is always this: What is normal for you is what counts. If you like being tweaked inside your poopshoot or if you see stars of ecstasy after a session with a little vibrator pushing against your prostate gland, then that’s perfectly normal for you. Your job is not to judge but to enjoy it!
Your prostate may be the site of your greatest pleasure or your deepest fears, depending on how you view it. Not literally, but from brain central. First you have to shift away from the medical model, and stop thinking of it as a problem zone. Getting regular prostate exams and especially using reliable PSA testing at an early age will alleviate some of your worries about this pleasure popper. If you are one of those men in the age group of over 40, having your PSA tests done yearly should appear at the top of Santa’s most wanted list. Or when you go in for that special finger exam by Doctor Sadist, the infamous “Digital Rectal Exam or DRE”, don’t yell in angst. Bend over and take the medicine, which may just save a life. Just as you may have given up on using this large walnut-sized squishy tissue for a panic button instead of a pleasure cue, here are some facts and guidelines for prostate play that may have you calling me in the morning with a big thanks!
Entry made easy
At the Institute for the Advanced Study of Human Sexuality in San Francisco, when I was a doctoral student in the late 80s, they discovered a new personal lubricant, Erogel, which is a good one to use to scare away germs and give you a slippery ride. They hung a big white banner-type sign out in front of their building, with bold black letters that read, “If you do it, lube it!” Put that image in your mind. For anal play, be sure to use a lube that doesn’t contain irritants, such as nonoxynol-9. The Erogel makers were wise enough to use another derivative of nonoxynol (15) and to soften its irritant effect with other ingredients. The anal tissue is prone to irritation by products that have harsh chemicals, but using a lube is a must. To pass the point of those tight sphincters, here are four basic steps to follow, which of course, you can do alone or instruct your babe to do for you:
1. Clean up. Take a shower and wash well, or better yet, indulge in a nice hot bath, which will remove any debris from the outer rim but also relax you. If you want to go all the way, use an enema to get clean, really clean, inside the rectum.
2. Use plenty of lube on whatever you decide to stick inside of the rectum. Lubing it is essential. You can never use too much lubrication, so be generous with the goop.
3. Go slowly. Those tight muscles need to be eased open, not cracked open like a pecan. Pliers not needed, but patience required. Take all the time you or your partner needs to push through the gate to the inside.
4. Breathe into the penetration. If you let yourself relax and let deep breaths occur, you’ll be fine. Take at least four deep breaths that you can hear on a 4-count inhale, 2-count hold, 4-count exhale. Concentrate on your breathing as either your finger is sliding inward or hers is gliding into the opening. Ease into it and easy does it.
What’s a nice girl like that doing there anyway?
One of my clients, we’ll call him Dan, is happily married but “missing something in sex” he confessed. Finally, he told me he had dreamed of anal penetration and his first prostate massage. He smiled with a slight wince when he told me this and I smiled back with a comforting look that said, “It’s okay. Let’s get you to learn how to do it…” In two sessions, we discussed the three steps above and helped him to understand that this is a part of the male sexual anatomy that can provide intense pleasure. We even went over the anatomy down there, talking about how the rectal wall is like a rubber glove between your finger and your spongy friend, whose main function is to help propel ejaculate out the urethral canal. Dan went home with a list of what to do and online stores where he could find an anal vibrator. A week later he emailed me a short note, filled with smiling icons, saying he did it. He’s now devoted to doing this to himself often and looking for the courage to entice his wife to help. Now, that’s a success story!
Reversing negative emotions
Whether or not you ever want to share this with a partner or just do it solo, you can overcome your shame, guilt, embarrassment and fears, too. First, notice what feelings are coming up for you as you read this. If you are sweating in a panic (not beading up with arousal), you have some emotional healing work ahead of you. Begin to notice and identify your emotional response to the idea of prostate massage. If you feel fear, shameful thoughts, are embarrassed even to touch the sweet little wrinkles around the edge, or if you are about to run to the can to vomit, you can change all that.
To reverse those negative messages you are hearing in your head, stopping you from indulging in this fun, you have to stop the “bad” voices and replace them with positive or “good” ones. For example, tell yourself phrases like, “This is normal. This is acceptable. This is something millions of men do each day for their pleasure. I can do this, too.” Remind yourself that your body belongs to you. If your body wasn’t capable of producing pleasure in this way, you couldn’t do it. Stop any thoughts or feelings you have about it being “wrong”, “bad” or “immoral” and shift to an “it’s all okay” mode. You may want to catch yourself saying the “bad” emotions and say the “good” ones out loud in front of the bathroom mirror. Or tell them all to f-off and go away. Get in charge of your emotional chorus that directs your life.
Fingering your squishy walnut-sized friend
There are two types of penetration and massage—solo and partnered.
*If this is what you feel like trying, then use your own finger(s) to probe. It’s going to take some yoga style posturing to get yourself into a position for proper entry that will work inside. Experiment with different approaches, such as kneeling, one leg up on the shower stall while standing, lying down with knees up or lying on your side with legs curled up. Your position will determine if you can access the spot. If not, use a vibrating device or an anal probe.
*Once you have reached past the gates of the anal sphincters, feel around for a soft walnut-like bundle. That’s it! Push and rub and feel how good it all feels. Men have reported to me that doing this has produced some of the most intense orgasms of their dreams. If ancient teaching is right, the prostate is the site of both emotional and physical stress, all of which can be released. Probe, push and prod, rub and rotate, do whatever literally feels good to you and watch for volcanic eruptions.
*Remove your finger and wash well with warm soapy water. Never put your finger (or anything else that has been inside of an anus/rectum) anywhere else before thoroughly cleansing it. Those bacterial germs can wreak damage and bring you from heaven to hell.
Ask your girlfriend or wife to do this for you. Here are some possible ways:
*Use the silent “show-me” approach. Take her hand and guide it to the anal opening. Keep your bottle of lube handy and put on some slow, easy listening music to set a mood.
*Ask her directly. “Honey, would you touch me here?” or a blunt request might sound like, “Finger fuck me, wouldja?”
*Then she can do what you would do solo, but more easily….she can lie down over your thighs, or position herself to kneel by your side, lifting your package to elevate your penis and testicles out of the way for a good reach. She of course will use lube, maybe a glove or finger cot, or a toy (anal vibrators that conform to the shape of your curly rectal canal are good, as long as they have a tail to hold onto) to dive in, slowly, gently and with care. Once inside, just as you did alone, she can search with her finger for your male G-spot and do her magic on you. Encourage her to do this from various angle, to allow for a deep and on-target massage. Your role is to enjoy it, not do anything for her while you are receiving this manual bliss.
*A note of warning: Anything that goes inside the anal opening should be flanged even if it is being held, like a vibrator. Avoid things that do not have a bottom platform, to stop it from being sucked up inside; never use anything that has sharp edges (or claws, gerbils included). Ouch is a word you don’t want to have to scream out. Anal plugs are good for initial contact and opening you up for more. They probably will not, though, reach the precious prostate itself. Give in, give it up and give back later on when you have returned to earth. Now, bend over and have fun!
Original article #20
On Prostate Pleasure
By Dr. Patti Britton