Just in time for those holidays and you don’t give a rat’s hind quarters about sex? Worried that something’s very wrong with you? Well, get this. During the holidays many men (and women) feel so overwhelmed by the responsibilities, have-to’s, and “should’s” of the Season of Giving that the last thing on their mind, or in their pants, is the urge to merge. I often find that my male clients at this time of year feel a bit grumpy, off their center of gravity (do I need to say penis?), and even a bit if not very depressed. If that’s you, don’t give up the ship. Shape up with some real things you can do to boost that lagging libido into action.
Five common reasons why guys lose their libidinous interest in s-e-x
Over the many years of my sex coaching practice, I have seen a variety of different theories and interpretations for why men lose their sex drive. Here are some of the most prevalent possible reasons. Now, privately from me to you, if any of these gloves fit, wear them. If not, you can interpolate from these where you may have lost that lovin’ feeling. Then read on for some remedies for that famed Hawaiian malady, no-wanna-nookie. Not to be confused with that horrible syndrome thousands of single men fall prey to: lack-a-nookie, which, now that we’re talking about it, can also become one of the reasons for not wanting sex with a partner. Feeling unworthy, or worrying that you might not be able to compete for the sex Olympics if you do get lucky, are some of the common themes that men report keep them out of the game.
Now, let’s take a look at what may be causing your low libido.
Reason #1: Aging and decline in male hormone production.
As you age, things take a three-way turn: they slow down, they dry up and they sag. Don’t minimize the negative impact of loss of your own production of testosterone, the main hormone related to sexual drive and performance. And, yes, that old adage of “use it or lose it” does have some merit. For example, if you don’t use the bicep muscles by flexing those arms, they lose their strength and elasticity. If you live a sedentary lifestyle (you know, like you nuke your frozen dinner from a rolling office chair) you may be suffering in the active-body department. Even today, in the early 21st century, myths prevail that when you get older you aren’t going to be sexual. Nonsense! The more you stay sexually active and alive, the better your chances for constantly rejuvenating that aspect of yourself. There certainly are reports of men in nursing homes seducing some of those toothless cuties in their hospital gowns, and there’s no reason that can’t be you!
Using your penile capacity, alone or with a lover, is one way to make sure that when the time is right, you can perform like a pro. Getting into a more sensual, slower and non-penile-penetrative mode may be your best path. Taking healthy and safe supplements, such as well-tested herbals or M.D.-prescribed testosterone in tablet, patch, or injectable form may be your best ally.
Reason #2: Relationship conflicts
If you are in a relationship with someone who is at war with you, or if you can’t stand the sound of her recording on your voicemail, then you may have lost that desire to be very close– in the sack or out. Hauling around that reservoir of unresolved emotional baggage is a surefire way to stop feeling sexual. Then again, you may be a man who shies away from real intimacy. After all, the best way to avoid getting trapped in the game of “I love you/Do You Love Me?” may be to stop being sexual with a girlfriend. Right? I have found (and some studies substantiate this) that men tend to use sex as a gateway to feeling love. Women, however, often need the excuse of love to unleash their sexual animal side. Now, do you see why there is so much conflict?
If you can, allow yourself to get past your issues about intimacy and follow your dick to let those feel-good times resume. Things will improve in both the sexual relationship and in the rest of your life. It’s common for men to feel powerful when they are successful in the bedroom and to feel a sense of personal shutdown when they have abandoned all notions of sex.
Reason #3: Exhaustion, life anxiety and stress
I call these “the three killers of sex” which are quite real. When you let them rule, you are running on empty, feeling depleted of your life energy stores. Letting yourself get so overtaken by fatigue, or worry or anxious thoughts can take you off the playing field for sex. It’s as though you have fallen out of touch with both yourself and your ability to connect with anyone else skin to skin, isn’t it?
Don’t get caught in the trap set by these three assassins. Make time for yourself. Learn to get back to the body. That means breathing deeply instead of the stressed-out shallow type; feel the pleasurable sensations your body can produce; get some rest. One of the best ways to de-stress, aside from meditation or calming quiet, is to move your body. Try an active sport like tennis, running or handball. Get those endorphins cooking and wake up that testosterone zone. Quit the car and walk to the corner market. And for a healthy lifestyle, give up the fatty, high carb diet, stop smoking and drinking (or at least reduce your intake) and get fit! You may be amazed how quickly Mr. Happy starts prodding you between your legs.
Reason #4: Not making time for sex
Probably the single most common complaint today is lack of time for sexual play in an overly busy or too tightly scheduled life. Most of us live an ‘on call’ existence these days. No wonder there are 40 million sexless married people trying to recall the last time they rubbed bodies. “No time for sex” is the new American marital mantra.
Reprioritize sex. Flip it to the top of your to-do list. Yes, making a weekly sex date may sound like a cliché, but they really do work. Planned sex seems a lot better than no sex, doesn’t it? Eliminate distractions from being able to focus in on your pleasure. Be alone with her– no kids, no pets, no cell phones, no email. Then for a deluxe treat, plan a weekend getaway without constraints. These simple deliberate plans can change your life.
Reason #5: Fear of failure
Perhaps the most insidious cause of all —that can stop a bullet train on its tracks—is the fear of not measuring up. Ironically, it may be your idealized expectations, rather that the actual dreams you lover has for you, that trip you up. Get realistic about what makes for satisfying sex. If you’ve lost an erection or have come too quickly, be nice to yourself. Every guy on the planet fits into those categories once in a while, especially with a new lover. For god’s sake, don’t blame yourself if she is not orgasmic.
Lighten up! Let the process of sexploration enrich not punish you. Find one thing you really do well in bed and accentuate that–maybe you’re an oral master or can finger her to the moon. Think positively about your strengths and shy away from the
“I’m not good enough” messages attached to performance anxiety. Adopt an “It’s okay— I can do this” attitude. Treat yourself like a favorite guest in the home of your mind and you may be surprised at the results. Whatever happens, learn to laugh at your mistakes and keep the faith that you can do it. I know you can.
THREE bonus steps you can take right now (to get Woody to stand up for action)
*Bonus #1: Get yourself into the erotic zone. I mean it. Read more sexy magazines, buy some CDs that feature erotic readings, or watch the XXX channels at night. Do something to trigger yourself into action that you know will do the job. Then activate yourself, alone or with a partner, until you literally pump the pistons into motion again.
*Bonus #2: Move, talk, walk and outfit yourself like a television character, movie (or porn) star or character in your fantasy life, then put on the vibe of some other guy. Think Tom Cruise in “The Last Samurai” or of course, his famed “Top Gun” role. The man!
*Bonus #3: Listen to military marches. They tend to get you in the mood to get hard, be a man, or ramp it all up for a good fight. That surge of our favorite hormone, testosterone, may be just what the Sarge ordered to get your pecker ready to salute.
Original article #10
By Dr. Patti Britton