I often get amused when I’m working with couples at what they think is the root of their sex problem. It’s usually not the mechanics but something deeper in how they treat the other person. Although, of course, learning how to be a good lover is not exactly what we all learned in kindergarten or even high school. Then, again, maybe you got lucky and had one of my sexologist pals teach you about sex in college, but even then the good news about sex and how to be a good lover is not the standard fare of even the most advanced of classrooms.
So, this month I’m going to dive into a subject that’s not quite about the how to’s for great sex play, but about how to be with a woman and what to do to elevate your *NICE* factor. Forget about that old adage, “Nice guys finish last”. Although many women pant to be with the proverbial bad boy for their libidinous ignition, the fact remains that if you ask a roomful of single women, they’ll tell you that they’d prefer to settle down with a nice guy any old time. So, take our your pencils or your PDA and capture the essence of being Mr. Nice and I promise you, it’ll help you with the sweetest ladies and the fastest tramps!
I have been working with a married couple for the past 5 months, and week-to-week they’ve been making two steps forward and one step back. They came to me, because she, yes, SHE was horny and he wasn’t into sex any more, now that the baby was a few months old. I worked with them carefully, as it was obvious to me that they were angry at each other with flaring tempers and biting tones on our phone sessions. Constant frustration was their baseline each time we spoke. At each sex coaching session it became clearer and clearer that they both had unmet needs, for sex and affection. Every time the same thing happened– he would verbally swipe at her and she’d get pissed off. So, our work was not the typical sexually-focused substance. It was about how they treated each other, first and foremost.
I had them do home assignments of her masturbating in front of him with her new vibrator and inviting him to play with her during her solo time. And I invited him to be more open to napping to quell his fatigue so that after baby went to sleep at night he would have some jam left over for his wife’s sexual desires. And I got them to see each other as a team with the same goals and to find the loving person inside their individual anger zone.
Eventually, what surfaced wasn’t about sex at all. Instead, it was that on a daily basis they took out the swords and fought about small nothings, pushing them apart. What they really needed was “Nice-ness training”. After learning how to do that, finally they told me on the last phone session, “Dr. Patti, we don’t want to focus on anything negative tonight with you. We have discovered how to be nice. We have finally crossed that line and are being polite. We have learned from you how to show our upsets to each other without attacking the other person. We think we are done! We cannot imagine going back to being mean to each other again. You have given us the tools to save our marriage. We know we can do it ourselves…..”
I always smile at victories like this. The *NICE* factor can be yours, too, whether you are in a long-term marriage or just hoping she’ll say yes to your invitation for date number three. Nice is not for wooses. It takes work, shifting out of your anger zone, and learning how to focus on being polite, present and, well, a lover not a fighter.
Now, here are some useful Nice-ness Training Tips:
N is for you to be a nurturer
If there is one thing that is the key for a happy relationship and assuring that she’ll take your next call, it’s to find that nurturing side of yourself. I mean it. Most men think that being a nurturer is for sissies or girls. Not at all. In fact, one of my early clients was a guy who easily found time to cook the evening meals for his sweetheart, listened to her problems patiently, and rubbed her back before sleepy-time as a rule, not the exception. You can nurture your girlfriend or wife physically, like using your wily ways at a lengthy sensual massage on her tight tush once a week, cradling her sore feet after a hard day of pounding the pavement, offering soothing words of support, or getting her off before Mr. Penis gets even a stroke of attention. Oh yeah, orgasms always help as nurturing medicine for what ails ‘ya.
You also can offer her emotional nurturance, asking her how you can help her with pressures at work with the new boss, or processing with her about how much her mother is putting the spurs under her saddle about getting pregnant, for example. If you are just dating, showing her your tender heart will go a long way. Maybe you just become an easy listener, asking her about herself and really, I mean really, putting an ear out for what’s bothering her. Offer kinds words, like “I’m so sorry you have to go through that, Sue…” Or things like, “That must be tough on you, Margie,” or “Is there any way I can help with this challenge, Jane?” Sweet, meaningful, loving dialogue gives her the nurturance she needs to want you more.
I is for you to interact verbally and non-verbally
I am a big fan of the “I” message. That is when you say something starting with “I” instead of “you”, or talking in the third person. Sharing your “I” statements sends a message about taking responsibility for what you want to communicate. Say “I feel like we are so lucky to have each other, dollface…” or “I want us to get to know each other better, chicklet.” Another tactic that makes women think you’re nice is to focus on her. Ask her about herself. Simple things like, “What did you think about the movie tonite, Frannie?” and “How was your day with the kids, Marge?” help to make you seem like the nice guy you really are. (Or want her to think you are).
Then, again, if you feel shy about talking, use your body-talking skills on her. Take your hand and hold hers, if she’s feeling the need to be close. Or reach over and give those strained shoulders a squeeze. Look into her eyes with a smile and give her whole body a gentle hug when she walks in the door. Unless of course she’s already told you up front that peeling off her blouse as she skirts pass the door entry is how she likes to be nurtured! Do what she wants and likes. Be nice, now.
C is for you to cuddle up, give her both foreplay and afterglow time
Most women will tell you that if you are a nice man, you’ll accept that she deserves to have a little foreplay and that after the sexual fireworks are all over she likes to bask in that soft afterglow. Cuddle-up time is just as important as the loud fanfare of a huge burst of orgasm for your gal pal. Make time and learn the right moves to be a gentle and giving lover before the main event. That is, if you still believe that penis-in-vagina sex is the main event. Most women will tell you that there’s a heckuvalot more to sex than putting the dipstick in the oil pan.
Now, here’s a hint: If you have cats, think about how they respond to your patting, by purring. Let your sweetie coddle and pet you, giving to you in return for your nice ways. When she does, let out a little purr (you can make a sound or just let her rub your fur the right way). Now, that’s nice.
E is for you to extend yourself in the nice department.
Want some ideas? Try these: Pick up her dry cleaning. Clean up her bathroom when you spend the night. Pamper her with coupons to the nearest day spa. Take the kids to supper and give her the night off now and then. Step aside from the television set and answer the phone during dinner. Buy her red roses. Give her a box of expensive chocolates. Invite her to dinner via text message or email. Make it special. Spend a lot of money on her just once. Stick with those lingering kisses she adores. Oh, and about nice guys finishing last? When it comes to sex, well…let her have her orgasm first, then finish yours. She’ll think you’re the nicest dude alive!
Original article #6
On Being Nice
By Dr. Patti Britton