I often coach clients, especially those is shaky relationships that lying in any form is a no-no. Why is that? Because trust is the foundation for all intimate relationships, plain and simple. If you are lying to another person, whether it’s your lifelong mate, your latest one night stand or that girl at the counter whom you lust after at the nearest latte shop, you are either holding back the truth or misrepresenting who and what you are. Honesty may not always feel like the best policy, but being authentic and telling the truth usually keeps a relationship going a lot longer and deeper than the shallow half-truths you cook up in your rehearsal monologues in front of the shaving mirror.
You may be surprised to find that there are certain lies that are critical areas in a man’s life–ones that can get you in deep ocean water without a life jacket. Here are five big lies men tell, and what you can do about it if you rely on any or all of them as your personal script or relied upon role with women.
Five Big Lies
Lie #1: “Sure, I’m single.”
Never lie about your marital or relationship status. Tell a woman if you are or are not available for a relationship.
Sample scenario: You’re at a cocktail party after work, with a group of co-workers. A drop-dead gorgeous babe from another division of your company sidles up to you at your side of the table and tries to seduce you. You are hard, you are ready, you really want her. You text the wife to say that you’re delayed with a late office meeting, with a short “Honey, don’t wait up”. You have another round of tequila shooters, and eventually succumb to Miss Pretty’s alluring ways only to find yourself in her hotel room an hour later, undressing and with a huge boner, while she slides out of her dress. She cajoles you, flirting and asking, “Hey, you are single, right?” and you hastily reply with a “Sure, I’m single.”
If you live with a woman, are engaged, are dating her every weekend, or are wearing the ring on L4 when you’re doing the dishes at home, and you say you are single, then you are a liar. Being married, or in a committed relationship and then telling a prospective lover that you are single is not a good move. It’s low, unfair to her and ultimately to yourself. (I’m not even going to comment on the fact that you are lying as in cheating on your sweetheart, who deserves an honest man around the house). This action is a bold-faced lie that can get you in trouble in oh so many ways. This is a new relationship that cannot grow. This is bad karma. It’s a rip into the fabric of your integrity. Stay away from lying about your relationship status and you may be surprised to find that you may attract a type of women out there who are just looking for a boy toy or an outside man for that sexual affair, regardless of your experience at the altar.
Lie #2: “Sure, I’m safe. I’ve had been tested.”
Never lie about your sexual health status; tell a woman if you have an STD, have ever had one that might still be transmissable, and if you are putting her at risk to have sex with her.
Sample scenario: You just met Sue and are hot for her. You and she have been eyeing each other at this social club for weeks now. She is a bit conservative and has been flirty but reserved. You both are sitting at the same table, alone, sharing some food. You engage her in good conversation for about an hour, then touch her hair, seductively. She pauses, noticing your sudden interest in her as a woman, not just a friend. She smiles enticingly. You reach over to kiss her. She pushes you back, asking, “You turn me on. But, before this goes any further, I need to know if you’ve got any STDs or anything…” You reply, “Sure, “I’m safe, I’ve been tested.”
Don’t put yourself or another person at risk for catching a nasty disease. HIV/AIDS, even with all of those fancy drug cocktails, can kill you. Undetected and untreated sexually transmitted infections or diseases can cause permanent damage to your health and make your life miserable. Get smart about telling the truth about your own status, and make sure you don’t catch your next babe in the saddle in a lie, either. Risking your health and very life is not a good thing for anyone. And, if you have multiple sex partners, be very sure you are not spreading around things that can hurt you.
Lie #3: “Sure, I’m 39…”
Never lie about your real age, especially if you are dating a new woman and it may go somewhere as a relationship. Tell a woman your age so that her needs can get met or she can move on.
Sample scenario: You’ve met a woman from the personals in your local paper. She’s very attractive to you and she seems to really dig you, too. You’ve been at this restaurant for two hours, finished your desserts, and she’s into you. You like her and imagine taking her to bed. She talks about her age and says, “I never go out with guys older than me. It’s my rule. You are under 40 aren’t you?” You reply, “Sure, I’m 39…”
This can also lead to misrepresenting things like, your hair. This is my pet peeve, as this has happened to clients (and, gulp, when I was single, to me personally). Wearing a toupe, a hair piece or hair weave can be a booster for your self-confidence, and make you look younger, visually enhancing your sexual appeal. But let me tell you as a woman myself, not being able to stand the feel and touch of a cardboard-like or stringy-tight head, or not being able to run your fingers through a guy’s hair can be a real turn-off. And, it is a form of lying, to show a full head of great hair, when the bald spots underneath are glowing in the dark. Don’t be shy; let her in on your secret and find the courage to show some skin, if that’s the style of hair enhancement you use. Lying about your age will come back to bite you when things get serious. If you are doing the single dating thing, make sure you give an honest image of yourself. It’ll go a long way toward building trust and ruling out the women who really won’t want to know you once they find out that you are old enough to be their father!
Lie #4: “Sure, I’m straight.”
Never lie about your sexual orientation. Tell a woman if you are attracted to women, men, or both men and women. Let her know your parameters and desires up front.
Sample scenario: You’ve been cruising the gay scene for months now, but you are still trying to make yourself get into women sexually. You know you like maybe even love the company of women, and even have had a few successful sexual encounters with female lovers. But when you masturbate you always have to shift gears and think about guys. You sneak watching gay male porn for self-pleasuring time, and you have never gone down on a woman, as you feel it’s well, disgusting. You’re now dating a really great chick, and she’s feeling more and more “in love” with you each week. You don’t want to lose her, you’re feeling guilty about your solo leanings, and you keep reassuring her that your lack of interest in oral sex with her is just your taste. She keeps asking, “What’s wrong with me?”
If you are gay, or bi, that’s fine. Don’t lie to yourself, as the first level of defense. If you are struggling to discover what you really like for a sexual partner or experience, experiment. But don’t lie about it to yourself or anyone else. Be straight about what gender you like, desire, or long for in a sexual encounter. Maybe you use gay porn to get hard when you’re alone with Mr. Woody, or maybe you really do want to be with a woman as your mate but use those fantasies about screwing dudes to keep an erection alive. Be clear on what is fantasy desire and what you are missing to be fulfilled in the flesh. Just get clarity about what floats your boat while you tell it like it is to the person beside you under the sheets.
Lie #5: “Sure, I’m a great lover.”
Never lie about your level of sexual skills. Tell a woman if you have difficulty with sustaining your erection or may lose it. Let her know your vulnerabilities but don’t try to overwhelm her with your faked sexual prowess.
Sample scenario: You meet a great gal, who is just the hottie you’ve been dreaming of having. She’s smart, funny, built, trim, rich, playful, a knock-out, your gym buddies’ object of desire, and she asks you out. You get close on the first date, and you tantalize her with your charm, your good looks and your words. You feel a click. She’s into you, too. You invite her up to your place for a round of iced martinis and she agrees. After you strip her down to her bra and panties, she’s panting for you to do her. She shyly tells you that “It’s been a while. My last boyfriend had, um, sexual problems. He couldn’t make me come. You know how to do a woman right, don’t you?” You say, “Sure, I’m a great lover.”
The truth will show its ugly face the moment you start being sexual with a new lover. So, don’t fake it. If you are with a girlfriend who you really want to impress, be sure to sell yourself low and deliver high. One thing that women hate is a guy who’s lousy in bed. Don’t mislead her or taunt her verbally with wild anticipation when you can’t deliver the goods. Be real. Learn all you can about how to be a pleasure-giver and act on it when you are skilled enough to do it well. Read my book The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Sensual Massage to get savvy about touch/foreplay techniques and get my DVD’s from lovingsex.com to learn how it’s all done. Nothing in bed is worth doing if it’s not done well. You can trust me on that one.
Bonus Tip: “Do I look fat?”
Of course, you know the best lie you really must use, don’t you? If a woman stands in front of a mirror while you are in the room, trying on different outfits and pouting, then turns to you, and says, with tears welling up in her pretty brown eyes, “Do I look fat in this?” What is always your answer? “No, darling, you look perfect!” So, once in a while those little white lies go a long way in saying either “I love you” or “I’m here to support you, no matter what” (or saying to yourself “I’d better tell her she looks great, or I may never get some tonight…”). If you err on the side of avoiding lies altogether, you’re going to be better off. Now, look yourself in the mirror tomorrow morning, and say something truthful to yourself. Got it?
Original article #8
On Being A Liar
By Dr. Patti Britton