Note: You can download another slightly modified version of this process under “Tools” here on our website, “Processing Your Emotions”.

When a client comes to me for Sex Coaching and they are experiencing “stuck” feelings in a primary (or other) relationship or situation, I often coach them to buy a copy of John Gray’s landmark book, Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus, and to use the “Love Letter” process for clearing emotions.

I have personally been using the “Love Letter” process since 1983, which changed my entire life. I’ll always be grateful for meeting John Gray when I did. I first met John at one of his workshops in NYC, “The Heart Seminar”, which then inspired me to be in a training/study group for 18 months learning his methodologies. I also attended another John Gray seminar, a few years later in Northern California, “Men, Women and Relationships”, and again partook in a long-term training/study group. Over a ten-year period John Gray’s unique approach and techniques for emotional healing affected my therapeutic skills as a Sex Coach. Before his Mars/Venus days of fame, he was noted for his amazing skills as an emotional athlete, which won my keen admiration. Gray’s emotionally cathartic processes, when used appropriately, consistently and in a timely way, can save a relationship and even maybe a life.

This is my adaptation of the incredible, powerful process developed by John Gray and as found in his book, Men…Mars, Women…Venus, in the back section, especially on page 211. If you find yourself upset, stuck or unglued by a person, an event, or a situation in your life, write a “Love Letter” to that person (or situation) and use it to move through the range of your human emotions, from the most uncomfortable to the most soothing, from anger, fear, sadness, guilt, etc, all the way the highest emotional state, to love or peace. Think of this as flexing your emotional muscles and getting healthy. Gray once taught that unless you once loved someone they couldn’t make you so upset. I don’t agree. I think that life gets you upset, depending on how you interpret or handle all of life’s events and challenges, personal or objective. It’s not about getting BACK to love, it’s about experiencing the vibration of love as an energy field, and finding it for yourself, regardless of the reason. I believe that we ALL want to be in that vibrational field, even if we don’t name it as such. Love is the absence of upset, love is that peaceful state that tells us, “It’s okay to be just the way I am…”, a state that most people long to feel. By clearing the disabling emotions out of the way, by expressing them in writing and out loud, you can get to state of peace. Wouldn’t that be worth the time and effort to get there? I think so— and so do most of my clients who use this process over and over, as do I.

Here’s how:
1) Get out a piece of real paper and a pen to write.Or if you are habituated to typing on your computer, use it that way.
2) Use the book (Men… Mars/Women…Venus) or this as a guide. I highly recommend buying the book so that you can read all of the nuances.
3) Focus on what may be upsetting you this very minute… Are you angry that he spent the children’s shoe money on booze? Are you feeling guilty about not telling your ex that you cheated? Are you holding yourself hostage emotionally from gaining weight? Are you sad that you are not having sex as often as you would like? Are you resenting the time you spent in your last unsatisfying relationship and haven’t quite healed from that? Whatever is your upset, feel it and start to write, without self-censoring, in this order:
1. ANGER
Use key words to start each phrase of sentence, in the present tense, such as:
“I’m angry that…”
“I’m furious about…”
“I’m pissed off at…”
“I get angry when you…”
Write about all of your feelings of anger. Finish it off with a statement of what you’d like or want.
“I’d like to…”
“I want…”
“I wish that I/we could…”
2. SADNESS
Use key words to start each phrase of sentence, in the present tense, such as:
“I feel sad about…”
“I’m sad that…”
“I feel disappointed when…”
Write about all of your feelings of sadness. Finish it off with a statement of what you’d like or want.
“I’d like to…”
“I want…”
“I wish that I/we could…”
3. GUILT
Use key words to start each phrase of sentence, in the present tense, such as:
“I’m sorry that…”
“I feel guilty about…”
“I’m ashamed that…”
“Please forgive me for…”
Write about all of your feelings of guilt. Finish it off with a statement of what you’d like or want.
“I’d like to…”
“I want…”
“I wish that I/we could…”
4. FEAR
Use key words to start each phrase of sentence, in the present tense, such as:
“I feel scared that…”
“I am afraid to…”
“I feel worried about…”
Write about all of your feelings of fear. Finish it off with a statement of what you’d like or want.
“I’d like to…”
“I want…”
“I wish that I/we could…”
5. APPRECIATION
Use key words to start each phrase of sentence, in the present tense, such as:
“I forgive you for…” (This is a key one)
“I appreciate it when…”
“I thank you for…”
“I understand…”
Write about all of your feelings of forgiveness and appreciation. Finish it off with a statement of what you’d like or want.
“I’d like to…”
“I want…”
“I wish that I/we could…”
6. LOVE/PEACE
Use key words to start each phrase of sentence, in the present tense, such as
“I accept…”
“I like it when…”
“I love you for…”
“I love about you that…”
“I feel peaceful when…”
Write about all of your feelings of love and peacefulness. Finish it off with a statement of what you’d like or want.
“I’d like to…”
“I want…”
“I wish that I/we could…”

I always coach people to do one or all of these things:
1) Read your letter aloud, preferably to the person to whom you have written the letter; you can also go back and edit it to a more comfortable range of emotions, or shorten it, once you’ve got it all down on paper.
2) Share your letter with the object of your letter by exchanging letters if you both can do that.
3) If you cannot read it to that person, then be sure to read it aloud to someone, so that you can let those thoughts and words be expressed OUT of your own body.
4) You can also ask that person for what you wish you could hear or read as his/her response, either in writing or by speaking your request.
Again I give thanks for this amazing process to its creator, Dr. John Gray. Bless you.

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