In my career of over 30 years as a sex coach in my private practice, there’s not a lot that I haven’t seen and worked with. And what’s the #1 most common problem that clients come to me for? Living in a sexless relationship!
We live in a world where sex is everywhere: it’s used to sell everything from shampoo to coffee and you’ll find sex tips in every magazine on newsstands. But according to statistics, 15-20% of marriages are sexless, and I personally believe it to be much higher from the frustrated couples who come to my practice.
Think this only happens to other couples?
Even if your relationship started out hot and steamy, your job got busier, sometimes you’ve been working all day and then you have to look after the kids. Maybe you have to look after ageing parents, or you are working two jobs to bring in more money. Your life has gotten too busy, and getting hot under the covers has slipped down your list of priorities.
Does that sound like you? It’s been a long time since you and your honey have gotten busy and something has gotta change!
Here are 3 things you can do to revive your sex life:
#1. Make time for touch
Does this scene sound familiar? You’re lying in bed with the lights off and your sweetheart slips their hand onto your shoulder and breathes heavily in your ear, ‘I’m so hot, baby’. If this is the normal routine for getting some sexy time, it’s a no brainer that you aren’t in the mood!
When your life gets too hectic, you forget to spend time just connecting with each other with touch. A shoulder rub, a cuddle, holding hands, they all get pushed to the side to do the laundry or try and meet that important deadline at work.
Fix this by scheduling some time- it can be 10 minutes or an hour, where you are just touching with no pressure for it to lead to sex. Give a sensual massage, caress, tickle, take a bubble bath together or take a walk holding hands.
Sensual touch with no expectations can actually stoke the fires and lead to sexual touch, which can then lead to greater intimacy.
#2. Find out what you like and ask for it
Do you know your biggest turn ons, and turn offs? If you don’t, now is the time to find out!
Take time to find out what fires you up, and what is a big ‘No!’. Turn ons can be can be a foot massage, kissing the neck or reading some steamy erotica. (Check out my book: The Adventures of Her in France, which is erotic story for women). Maybe you like seeing your woman in some sexy new lingerie or doing a slow dance together. Remember, what turns YOU on is unique to you, so find your own personal turn on recipe.
Find out where your personal hotspots are on your body too. Is your neck super sensitive? Your breasts? Backs of your knees? Your feet? Then all you need to do is ask for more attention to be given there. Do you like a clitoral stroke to the left or right? Is oral sex how you get off? Discover whatever works and ask for it.
It really is that simple!
For turn offs, maybe you don’t like it when your partner doesn’t wash, when they’re rubbing you too hard or they’re just rushing too fast.
It’s really important to speak up when something isn’t working for you, but make sure you say it to your partner with no blaming, complaining or accusing. That just isn’t sexy and can kill the mood in an instant.
Here’s a great phrase to use, ‘Honey, I’m not so turned on when you … but I love it when … please do it again…it drives me wild!’
#3. Take some “Me” time
In your busy life when you’re just too damn tired for sex, if you want to be hot and ready for your honey, it’s really important that you take time for yourself to recharge your batteries.
“Me” time, is the way to charge up your batteries because if you’re running on empty, your batteries are not full for “we” time.
For women it can be things like having a mani-pedi, lunch with your bestie, going to yoga class or curling up with a good book. For guys it can be joining that local baseball team, going for a beer with the guys once in awhile, or even going on a hike.
Sadly, a dry sex life in a couple can be a symptom of something wrong in the relationship. This is when you need to call in the experts, and see either a relationship counselor or a Certified Sex Coach to work through it. A great place to find a Certified Sex Coach who has excellent credentials is through The World Association of Sex Coaches: www.worldassociationofsexcoaches.org
If you personally feel called to work with sex professionally, go to my training program, Sex Coach U, where you too can become a Certified Sex Coach and Clinical Sexologist.
Head to www.sexcoachu.com and sign up to the newsletter to keep up to date with all the latest news from our students and alumni in over 45 countries around the world.
Here’s to your hot and steamy sex life!
Love & Light, Dr. Patti
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